Following on from my last blog on self-worth, I thought I would focus in on owning our stories, our truth. In the self-worth piece, I discussed how an important part of valuing yourself included the parts of us we found less desirable, it was about owning all of who we are. The same goes for our story.
Truth: The body of real things, events and facts.
Sovereignty: Supreme power or authority.
We all have a past. This includes the mistakes we have made and those truths that we are not proud of. I know from experience, as well as working with clients, that a common way of ‘dealing’ with these areas we are not proud of is:
– Avoidance; pretending it did not occur, never addressing this area of your life, ignoring it
– Numbing; using an external stimuli (alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, work, eating, exercise, internet) to avoid dealing with the internal pain/guilt/shame
– Oversharing as a third person; regularly sharing this story, but it is very distant, as if you are telling it about someone else, very matter of fact, void of feeling.
By not addressing the pain or a piece of our truth we are actually giving it power over us. It becomes THE thing that we put extra effort in to avoid or prove wrong, it becomes THE thing that we think defines who we are, it becomes THE thing that we think will be the make or break for us. The only way to take the power from the past, is to own it. Take the power back. Establish your truth sovereignty.
I have recently exercised my truth sovereignty over a personal story of mine. I admit I have done the avoidance, I have done the blame, I have tried to numb it and I have done the oversharing too. I literally tried everything I could so I would not have to actually deal with it and own it. But I decided (with the help of two beautiful wahine toa – Kat & Binny so much aroha to you xx) to lean into the discomfort and really own it. In order to do this, I had to real lean into the hurt, I had to practice some mindfulness to keep the anxiety at bay in sharing such a hard story, I journaled A LOT, and it was mostly centred around acceptance and kindness to myself. It wasn’t easy, but as well as empowering me, it actually gave me the final piece of healing I needed in this space, and brought me my greatest value of peace.
This does not mean we have to tell everyone, I do not think this, or practice this at all. It means you own it, you take responsibility for it, you learn from it, you don’t let it define you and you share it with those who you chose to do so with. It is not easy sharing our darkest corners or deepest scars, people can react negatively, they can judge us, they can choose to leave our life. This only serves to reinforce our own shame and internal negative self-talk and internal reasons for previously avoiding, numbing or oversharing. So be selective with who you share your truth with, exercise your sovereignty here too.
I will say this though, if people choose to react in these ways, this is for them to own. Their reactions are theirs. You can’t control other people’s emotions, reactions, opinions or perceptions, so let it go. I know this is easier said than done but reinforce this messaging to yourself regularly. I also believe that if someone doesn’t love me, all of me, then it is for the best that they aren’t in my world anyway. I have too many amazing people I walk this journey with to waste any time on those who are not in my life to simply love. I think Marilyn said it best:
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little bit insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”
This goes both ways too. Remember this when someone shares their truth with you. Walk in their shoes and recognise the pain they have dealt with to be in a place to be able to share this with you. Reflect on how you would want to be treated at this time:
– Listen without judgement. We do not have to like or agree with choices others have made, just as they wont with our own, but we do not need to judge them for it.
– Be empathetic, not sympathetic. I have written a whole blog on this topic (so have a read of that one “Feel with me, not for me”) so I won’t go into this one here.
– Offer them the space to share. Listen. I mean really listen. Not for the sake of talking! And be present – put the phone away, don’t look at your watch etc.
When we own all that we are, and all the chapters in our story, then we can be truly authentic. We can accept and speak our truth, we have the power over it. We have truth sovereignty.
Mel H x